‘Road House’ review: Jake Gyllenhaal remake is less loony, more violent

Moving the setting of “Road House” from Missouri to the Florida Keys should go down as one of the best decisions made by a movie remake ever.

The scenery is tropical, the personalities are oversize and the area inspired a song that goes, “Wasted away again.”

Plus, as any skimmer of crime headlines knows, macho bar brawls are not uncommon in the boisterous Sunshine State. 

Really, this action-packed update of the truly ridiculous 1989 film that starred Patrick Swayze as the world’s best bouncer could almost be a documentary.  

Call it “Florida Man: The Motion Picture.”

The beefcake Swayze role, Dalton, is taken over by an intense Jake Gyllenhaal in this entertaining and, for better or worse, less mockable update of the cult classic. 

Rather than having a black belt in karate and a Ph.D. in philosophy from NYU (what a movie it was), here Dalton is, more logically, a former UFC fighter named Elwood Dalton who’s recruited by Frankie (Jessica Williams) to calm down her notoriously violent watering hole in Glass Key.

“The owner’s having a little trouble, I guess,” he tells a local bookseller. “I’m here to clean it up.”

Conor McGregor and Jake Gyllenhaal star in “Road House.” ©Amazon/Courtesy Everett Collection

No longer the Double Deuce, the establishment is simply called — drumroll, please — the Road House.

“It’s a roadhouse, but it’s called the Road House,” Frankie says, mocking the film’s two-word title. “My uncle had a unique sense of humor.”

And there’s a lot more blood on the floor for Dalton to contend with this time. The clashes are frequent and ultra-brutal as he teaches the bouncers (such as Lukas Gage) how to beat down jerks and keep the peace. 

You wouldn’t instantly peg Gyllenhaal for a fearsome badass, but, hey, two years before the original “Road House,” Swayze was dancing the cha-cha in the Catskills. Gyllenhaal has a similarly deceptive combo of nice and no-nonsense.

McGregor smashes barflies with a golf club. ©Amazon/Courtesy Everett Collection

One of the most complex group battle scenes in director Doug Liman’s film features UFC fighter Conor McGregor as thuggish Knox smashing in barflies with a golf club.

“It’s a been a while since I’ve been clubbin’!” he says with a maniacal grin. 

I doubt this movie marks the start of a long and varied screen career for McGregor (who, in a bit of accidental Method acting, was actually arrested in South Florida in 2019). But the guy fits in here like an MMA glove.

The chief baddie is Brandt, a real estate developer who wants to knock down the Road House and build a resort. (Considering its reputation, I can’t blame him.) Like an oceanic “Ozark,” corrupt cops and drug dealers also come into play.

Daniela Melchior plays Ellie, the Kelly Lynch role, in “Road House.” ©Amazon/Courtesy Everett Collection

What doesn’t at all is sex. 

The gratuitous ‘89 flick was known for characters getting it on and showing ample nudity. While Dalton does have a love interest in Ellie (Daniela Melchior) — the Kelly Lynch role — there is only the briefest glimpse of toplessness. Beds here are for sleeping.

“Road House” fanatics will be outraged that the movie is more coherent and not as sex-ed up as their favorite critically loathed ’80s B-movie. But there’s no need to get angry, guys.

Remember: “In a fight, nobody wins.”